REDMOND, WA--In a move designed to hasten the inevitable, billionaire Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates announced yesterday that from now on, he will be getting half.

Gates, whose savvy and aggressiveness propelled his Microsoft corporation to the top of the business world and made him America's richest man with an estimated fortune of $18 billion, announced his plan at a press conference yesterday from his Seattle-area compound. "I get half," he explained.

Litigation Will Give Competitors Time to "Reload," Attorneys Say

The inevitable finally took place this week as Microsoft, distracted
by product development activities, took the dramatic step of filing
suit against itself in Federal District Court.

by Andrew Burke

REDMOND, Wash. -- April 10, 1995 -- Microsoft today announced the release
of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes will open up
a huge untapped computer market. With the motto "The software for the rest
of y'all(tm)," Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys
4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite.

REDMOND, Wash. -- April 1, 1995 -- Microsoft Corporation today announced that its Board of Directors approved a 3-for-2 employee split. All Microsoft employees will undergo binary fission, thus doubling the workforce. Managers will receive one additional employee for every two current employees working on the record date of April 5, 1995. Fractional employees will be made into hamburger to be served at the fine Microsoft cafeterias.

REDMOND, Wa - The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy today as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the Windows NT Team, was brutally murdered in an apparently psychotic tirade by one of the "personalities" of Microsoft's latest operating system shell program, Bob. In the small hours of this morning, Java, the "friendly" coffee-drinking dinosaur, burst from the screen of Fitzgerald's computer, cutting a swath of destruction throughout the hapless worker's office and into the accompanying hallway.

REDMOND, Wash. -- Oct 14, 1994 -- Microsoft Corp. (NASDAQ:MSFT) confirmed today that it is acquiring the Department of Justice as an addition to its impressive legal department. The agreement was signed today for an unspecified sum. Bill Gates, chairman and CEO of Microsoft Corporation, said, "You never can own too many lawyers."

By Hank Vorjes

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, Microsoft Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of Microsoft common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.